Online dating coaches and relationship counselors are a popular niche in the social media sphere. They'll give you guidance on anything and everything. How to date, who to date, what to talk about, where to go, what to wear, even what to eat.
Some will tell you how often to talk to a potential, how long to get to know them, when you should meet up, when you should have sex. The advice is based on their learned opinion, talking to others and from their own life experiences.
There's tremendous focus on “red flags”, that you’re meant to avoid like the black plague. Some will provide a detailed list, or red pills, to make it easy for you. If you date someone described on the list, you’re living dangerously. Their advice is to drop them like a hot potato and run.
Red Flags
My suggestion is, make your own red flag list of the things you can’t live with or where you’re not willing to compromise. Why? Because the red flags should be custom tailored to your world and how you choose to live it.
Maybe she's messy and you love neat freaks, but someone else may not care; the red flag list says every woman should cook, but you love cooking and prefer to keep that job. Maybe he’s terrible at finances but you’re strong in that area; or maybe she wants to wait for sex until she’s sure, but it’s past the red flag list “must have sex by” deadline. You see where I’m going here.
All the negatives above are on the red flag list yet that person could be the one who lights up your world. The one who is holding your hand and helping you walk when you get old; the one who doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor. But you'll never know if your coach said no, don’t date that person.
Green Flags
Now let's set aside the negative and look for some positive. What are Green Flags? They start flying when you find that person who makes you feel loved in every way. The person who supports you through hard times, who is there to listen when you're troubled or down, anytime of the day or night. The one who dreams of hugging you tight every morning and kissing you good night, every night. The one who would make any sacrifice to be with you. But what if they aren’t perfect? What if they have faults that may be on a red flag list somewhere. What if you do.
If you’re loco enough to date an axe murderer, someone needs to hire you a keeper. But thankfully most of us are able to recognize the really bad traits a person puts forth and can identify them. You know what you can or can’t tolerate. Stay attuned to that.
So it’s pretty simple. Start looking for the good in people, not just the bad. Just a few of the many green flag traits I look for: honesty, humility, integrity, kindness, gratitude, loyalty, generosity. Two more that are personal to me that I need to see in others…..a sense of curiosity to learn, and resilience to make it through tough times. Resilience is a biggie for me. True grit. No whining on this team.
Be You
Always be who you are. Not who you think someone wants you to be, just to get them to fall for you That works for a while but eventually becomes exhausting. How will they react when your true self shows through. You can’t be “on" all the time.
If you have a temper or sometimes get down, let them know. Especially if you want to make a life together. Their love for you will show through. If not, now’s the time to find out..
It’s also good to remember that you don’t have to be exactly alike to form a good life partnership. You may be the couple that wants to spend every minute together and if that’s what works for you, great. You need interests you both enjoy, but also remember you entered into this as a whole person. You may be religious, the other may not be. He may need to spend time with his guy tribe, go fishing or to the gym. She might want to swim every day, or go on a women’s retreat. It’s ok. Let it be.
Forcing change in others usually doesn’t work out. You fell in love because of who that person was and you decided they were trustworthy. Be together but also give each other space to breathe. A little time apart occasionally can be a good thing ‘cause reuniting will be very special.
What If It Doesn’t Work
No matter what rules you follow, how much you care for someone or they care for you, how perfect they think you are, even how good you are to them, they may decide one day to leave. All the red or green flag lists in the world can’t account for it. You can vet until the cows come home but you still can’t control human nature.
What do you do if things pop up in dating, or the living together process that make you doubt their good qualities or overrides them. And I’m not talking about the way they salt their potatoes or they won’t pick up their towel off the bathroom floor.
I'm talking about serious issues that must be addressed in the best way possible for both parties. This is where you have to lose that “me, me, me" mindset that some dating coaches encourage. You formed a team with this person. Act like it. If you assumed the role of leader, this is a time you're needed. There must be a sense of respect and discussion before that door slams.
If after trying you can’t find compromise or work out the problems, explain that clearly. Particularly if you convinced this person to love and trust you. Absolutely do not ghost them. That’s emotional abuse. Be a responsible adult and later down the road you’ll be proud of yourself. How it is ended is how you’ll be remembered. You entered into this as people who cared for each other. Try not to leave it as enemies.
Dating Coaches/Counselors
If you’re considering help in the dating world, there are some really great people out there, men and women, who would love to help you find the person of your dreams. You're going to share with them your personal life and possibly a look into your past, so vet them just as you would any professional you’re hiring. I would suggest finding someone who doesn’t just talk the talk, but lives your virtues and those you’re looking for in a partner. Otherwise it will be difficult for them to understand you and who you want to share your life with.
If you want to be married again, maybe look for someone in a successful marriage. If you prefer to stay single, let that be reflected in your choice.
Remember, your personal and emotional well-being is at stake here. It isn’t their place to tell you who to date or not date, or to be judgmental. Stay in control of your personal life and never turn it over to someone else or allow interference with your loved one. Consequences of choices made fall only on you. Always ask questions in your coach/counselor vetting process, as they will of you, and be respectful.
Attraction
We humans have little control over who we're attracted to. People with good traits, bad flaws or a few of each. My point about red and green flags is don’t let your life be ruled by them. I’ve been told that if something or someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. Codswallop! Some people are just optimistic, supportive, people. But we’ve become so jaded we can’t even accept or believe in them. That’s a sad way to live. I’ll always look for the good in people because I'm attracted to it like kids to an ice cream truck. I’m not changing.
Big hugs to you for reading. If you learned something helpful, that makes my day. But above all, if you’re traveling on that journey to find someone to share your life with, I wish you Godspeed. ♡