The Love Business
Many have garnered success in what has become a tremendous money maker, finding someone to date. I’ve never used a dating app because my dates were mostly screened through friends, family or business acquaintances. But my curiosity about the love industry has grown over the last few years since arriving at twitter. Let’s set aside apps and venture into the world of online dating and relationship advice. That’s what really caught my attention.
You can’t miss the phenomenal inventory of videos, articles, books and social media accounts. After reading, watching, and listening you quickly learn every expert has a set of rules, and they’re all remarkedly similar. Usually called red flags or red pills, the list is unwavering, carved in stone. Those of us with business experience quickly recognize why. A concrete list that can be repeated again and again works. It makes marketing their product much simpler, attractive and more lucrative. Driving home a sense of urgency and planting the seed they are the answer to fulfilling your dreams doesn’t hurt either.
As you can imagine, some relationship advice is good, some is terrible, some is outdated, and some can do a lot of damage. If you’re coming off a breakup and trying to start over, you’re quite vulnerable. It’s natural to believe someone who presents themselves as an expert is the solution. But remember the advice is based on what they’ve read, their opinion, personal life experience and that of other clients, which may not be right for you. That’s why it’s also important to talk with friends and family who know you well and have your best interests at heart. But you should weigh all advice carefully because you’re the one living with the consequences of your decisions. Just because someone suggests an action is not a reason to do it. Mother would always ask me if my friends were going to jump off a cliff would I do it too, just because?
Who Writes These Rules
There are hundreds of rules that I’m sure you’ve had a taste of. I’m putting five under the microscope.
Play hard to get: Don’t call too soon, wait three days to text, don’t give out compliments, be cool. No, no, no, no, no.
Anyone who withholds complimenting a woman has been seriously mislead. Guys love compliments too. Who doesn’t? This rule rates high on the stupid scale.
Regardless of what the rules deem, if you’re hesitant to call or text, she may see that as insecurity, not an alpha move, or worse, that you’re just a jerk. Why would she give you a second thought if you pretend you’re not interested. These games are for children and make you appear manipulative. Let her know where she stands with you. If you like her, greenlight her. If you had a great time, text her. By the way, deadlines in dating should be a mutual agreement because they can quickly turn into a relationship killer. Everyone moves at a different pace. What worked for the person advising you may be anathema to the person you’re dating.
Find your perfect person: I hate to pop your bubble but there is no perfect person. Spending your time looking for one will only lead to discontent, frustration, and giving up on dating begins to look good. You’ll soon realize some who were deemed not so perfect may have actually been great for you.
Heal yourself first: *This can be destructive but is accepted as a rule set in stone. If you’re continuously rehashing every relationship gone wrong with the goal of fixing yourself, you’ll never leave your past behind. Referring to yourself often as in the healing process puts you in a box. Once you are labeled as broken that’s how you will view yourself and what you’ll project to others. Don’t let anyone {family/friends/coach} make you feel there’s something wrong with you because you’re single. Look for ways to move powerfully and confidently into the future with or without a significant other.
*You may disagree with me on this point, but let me stress that if you have problems you can’t get past, you need quality therapy. Take a break from dating and find a licensed professional. This isn’t the job of a dating/relationship coach or advisor.
Realistic and Unrealistic Outcome Independence: I’m going to upset the apple cart again with this one, but I see this too often used as a coping mechanism for insecure people. If I don’t get this person I’m attracted to, I don’t care because there are plenty of others out there. I’m outcome independent.
It’s unrealistic to expect someone not to care. Seriously, it’s a bit inhuman. How often do you meet someone you’re attracted to and is compatible with your interests, values and personality? I would bet not a high percentage of the time. So, yes, you care if it doesn’t work out. You may be really sad for a while. But the realistic outlook is having faith in yourself and learning if it doesn’t work out, you’ll recover and be ok.
However, there are instances where the outcome independence thought process sets you up for failure. The common mantra is, “don’t worry, if it doesn’t work, we’ll just find you someone better”.
A seriously dating couple could easily interpret this advice as a subtle hint to prepare for the end. Going into a relationship with an exit plan encourages insecurities to float to the top and trust issues will inevitably occur. You could end up monitoring your partner for any sign you perceive as negative because you’re determined to assert your independence. (For example, if a guy assigns a “this is how much she cares” factor to how many times I call him, he’s going to be disappointed because I don’t initiate calls. It’s just my nature. But I always let him know that.)
If one person is going all in, but you’re holding everything in check to see how the game plays out, be honest about it. You can’t just sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Time is precious and shouldn’t be wasted. You’ll end up hurting people in the process. Do you really want this behavior to become known as your modus operandi?
Model yourself as someone they will like: This is a really big no. Don’t be fake, don’t pretend to like things they like, don’t try to be the perfect partner just to get them hooked on you. A reckoning day will come and it may not be pretty. This advice flows right into just be yourself. No. Work hard to be your very best self. But be certain they accept who you are and not try to change you.
Always Vet Your Guide
Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe there are good relationship coaches out there. And there are also those who have seized hold of this niche for status and money. It’s up to you to vet them and find the right one. I have always felt if you’re hiring someone to help lead you on your journey to find a life partner, be certain that guide not only believes in the same virtues and values you do, but lives them. They can’t just talk the talk, they have to walk the walk. Remember, you’re investing in them. Don’t forget to invest in yourself.
Reputable advisors shouldn’t tell you what to do, who to date or not date. They shouldn’t judge you but teach you not to be manipulative, deceiving or use people. Honesty and respect from the get-go should be your standard.
Dating Goals
If your desire is a long term relationship and marriage, dating skills aren’t going to properly prepare you. Dating is trying to get what you want and make someone like you. It’s a performance and so is the intimacy. If you aren’t satisfied with anything about the person, you’re told to walk away. Move on.
Marriage is on a completely different level. It's commitment, selflessness and giving. The skills required are more advanced. Just as you seek business advice from a successful entrepreneur, seek advice finding a marriage partner from a successfully married coach or counselor. Spend your time and money smartly. If you’ve been with a coach a year or more, aren’t in a quality relationship and have nothing to show but failed opportunities, it's time to look at finding a new guide.
Last Word
“Singlism”, bias against people who are single, does exist. But to the other extreme, “Matrimania”, over-hyping of marriage, wedding and couplings is also a thing.
Aside from marriage, there are those just looking for companionship and there’s nothing wrong with that. Who knows, that might turn into something deeper, beautiful and permanent as time goes by. But only if you’re open to that.
Sometimes taking the pressure off a relationship, removing self-imposed deadlines (or those issued by experts), learning to relax and enjoy having each other in your lives can do wonders.
There's nothing wrong with living your life single. Don’t let anyone pressure you or make you feel less because of it. Being single used to be viewed as nobody wanted you. Today it means you’ll decide how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with. There are thousands of ways to be happy in this world. Single, dating, or married. You have the power. The decision is yours and yours only.
Godspeed, Márta ♡